A CREATIVE STORM IS COMING

Social Proof for the coming Entrepreneurial Tantric Turquoise Takeover that has now been put into Motion after Lifetimes of Planning and Training:

http://www.maxmarmer.com/blog/testimonials/

Watch Out World.

The seeds of a Multi-Dimensional, Multi-Lifetime, Trans-Disciplinary, Consciously Transformational, Multi-Billion Dollar Business Empire have now been given Permission to Sprout.

Major Market and Ideological Disruption coming to a Phase Space near you!

I am its Cocky Humble Servant Gardening its Divine Energetic Expression.

Practice Patience as Destiny Fractally gathers the Life Force to Bloom.

This is a Multi-Decade Plan, not a Flash in the Pan.

Traction is here and I am Merely an Interstellar Point Man.

More Details Soon for How You Can Take Part.

As Conor McGregor, the Notorious One said, ”

[This] is the Law of Attraction, and it is the most powerful thing in the world. It is the belief that you are able to create whatever situation that you want for yourself, and no one can take it from you. It is believing something is already yours, and then doing whatever you have to so that it comes true.

If you can see it here and you have the courage enough to speak it, it will happen. I see these shots and sequences, and I don’t shy away from them. A lot of time people believe in certain things, but they keep it to themselves. They don’t put it out there. If you truly believe in it, if you become vocal with it, you are creating that Law of Attraction, and it will become reality.

This, the way I think and the way my mind goes, it is unstoppable. I can’t tell you exactly what it is, but it fucking works.”

HOW MY SPIRITUAL CONFIDENCE IS BORN OF PAIN & SUFFERING

This is a long post I wrote this morning…so set aside 10-15 minutes to read it.

I have been sharing a lot of content that I’m sure many people feel is shamelessly self-promoting, arrogantly over-confident and an unreal farce for deep insecurity and unresolved shadow.

In this post, I will share many of the incredibly challenging experiences that enabled me to reach my current perch of unshakeable confidence.

Hopefully you will understand more about how the times of my greatest weakness, ultimately became the fuel for my greatest strength. And that my posts of strength rest on substantive foundations rather than air.
————-

“The strongest steel is forged by the fires of hell. It is pounded and struck repeatedly before it’s plunged back into the molten fire. The fire gives it power and flexibility, and the blows give it strength. Those two things make the metal pliable and able to withstand every battle it’s called upon to fight.”

I have been through a lot of struggle in my life to get where I am today.

• I have struggled with social alienation, with both men and women, for most of my life.
• I have dealt with the intense Autoimmune illnesses of Leaky Gut, hyper-allergic-sensitivity to foods and Multiple Chemical Sensitivity.
• I have been through 4 episodes of Major Depression.
• I have been a part of many gut wrenching business failures, co-founder divorces and legal warfare.

My strength comes from the conquest of my adversity.

A) Social Alienation:

I have felt socially alienated for most of my life.

I didn’t have a close friend who I could truly discuss my true feelings about myself and the world until I was a sophomore in high school.

Instead of relationships founded on depth and connection, I derived my confidence and social self-worth from my athletic abilities.

As an athletic kid and teenager, when I was healthy, I was in the top 1% of my age group.

When I was 13, I started experiencing chronic back and ankle injuries that kept me perpetually in athletic purgatory. I was healthy enough to play, but never healthy enough to play to my potential or my peak abilities for very long.

From this place I was no longer a leader on my sports teams and the bond of masculine brotherhood was no longer there in the same way. Competing from an often injured place, I was now more burden than value.

I couldn’t find anyone who met me intellectually and spiritually, so now with my primary modality of social-connectedness gone, I felt completely alone.

While injured, I felt my social stature amongst men decrease. So did my self-confidence and it was harder to defend myself from the typical teenage jockeying for status. My social life was full of intentional emotional bullies, unsympathetic classmates, and little camaraderie on any level.

I also felt unattractive and undesirable to women. I was rejected by women I was sexually attracted to hundreds of times. I was rejected by women I loved many times. After high school, most of these interactions were with women 5-10 years older than me. Since I dropped out of college almost immediately to enter the technology world of Silicon Valley, these were the women in my community (if women were around much at all, in the 90/10 gender ratio waters I often swam in).

I was often told implicitly or explicitly by women that our connection was real, but that they couldn’t commit to a deeper physical connection because of our age difference. I was left to dwell in the feelings of unrealized possibility and unrequited love.

I endured the societal pressure, pain and loneliness of not losing my virginity until my early 20s. I didn’t have a girlfriend until I was 25. After all of these experiences, I couldn’t help but wonder whether there was something fundamentally wrong or unloveable about me, despite a deep sense of self-worth ready to rush back to the surface at the first sign of external validation.

(An Aside: I feel so fortunate that my first imprint of committed partnership in this life has been with Tara. Where I have felt fully loved, seen, appreciated and directly experienced the power of a securely attached romantic bond. I feel so grateful for being part of an enduring relationship, that has been so transformative in how we have offered each other mutual support towards evolving into greater versions of ourselves.)

B) Entrepreneurial Hardship

When I was working on the early ideas behind the Startup Genome I was told by entrepreneurs that I respected that I was delusional and that I should give up and go back to school.

Even after my work started getting traction in the world, I was still told by some of those same people that my work on the Startup Genome was worthless, harmful to entrepreneurs, and that I should quit and go back to the safety of a conventional life path by getting an undergraduate degree at Stanford or working at a well funded tech startup.

I have been rejected by people in the business world hundreds of times.I have attempted dozens of business ideas with friends that have failed at various stages of development.I have been forced out of a company I co-founded, that I put the entire force of my being, vitality, and life mission behind.

I have had some of my closest mentors abruptly disown and abandon me, presumably because they were afraid of my fire — and have had them never truly engage with me again.I have been in legal warfare with my best friend and become good friends again years later. I have been completely broke where I also felt too ashamed to ask family for help.

I have felt incredibly excited to collaborate on a business with one of my spiritual teachers, only to find his own self-worthlessness come out in equity discussions, and when we couldn’t come to agreement, have him threaten to sue me if I worked with anyone on similar concept. At this point, I couldn’t help but wonder if I was destined to simply repeat the pattern of seeing the potential for beautiful, transformational tech companies that would continually be undermined by the lack of enduring alignment with my business partners.

C) Biological Illness

I have been diagnosed with Leaky Gut, toxic mold poisoning, heavy metal poisoning and Multiple Chemical Sensitivity.

Worse still, before I found conformational diagnoses with cutting edge autoimmune based lab testing, close people in my life believed I was a Hypochondriac or at the least, almost all my symptoms were Psychological rather than Biological.

When I first learned about Multiple Chemical Sensitivity, I read that it was a lifetime illness that could only be managed not cured. I read dozens of stories from people on forums on the internet, who validated that the lifetime incurable nature of the condition. Their lives seemed miserable and full of unfulfilling, meaningless struggle.

Initially, my family had a lot of resistance to getting me the medical support I needed to investigate this Autoimmune disorder, as the tests costed thousands of dollars, and the actions to take as a result were not necessarily going to be clear.

My condition of Multiple Chemical Sensitivity was still very much a part of my life. Even though I had a proper diagnosis, the healing road was long and uncertain.

Living with MCS, the world outside my home was always dangerous and unsafe. Everywhere I went, harmful invisible, small chemical particles lurked. I couldn’t go to any social or professional event without fear that I might have to leave. And when I would insist that I couldn’t be in a space due to MCS, many people wouldn’t understand why and also believe there was something psychologically wrong with me.

To a person without Multiple Chemical Sensitivity the effect of these particles is a minor stressor that is unnoticeable to most in their conscious awareness and is easily processed by the Liver.

To me however, small quantities of these harmful, airborne particles would trigger a debilitating Autoimmune reaction leaving me to feel inflamed, fatigued and mentally foggy like I had 3 glasses of wine.

Sometimes, when I felt comfortable enough with the people I was with and there was low grade mold or VOCs in the space I was in, I would put on one of those high tech respirators that bikers in China wear to protect themselves from air pollution.

But I still I felt like one of those strange feeble looking women you see in the airport with the medical masks over their face — instead of being the strong, masculine leader I saw myself on the trajectory of becoming.

Most old buildings have some quantity of mold and most new buildings have off-gassing Volatile Organic Chemicals (VOCs) primarily from building materials, furniture and poor air quality due to the of circulation of fresh, oxygenated outdoor air.

At times, I felt completely debilitated, cognitively incapacitated, and energetically drained from my biological and psychological illnesses.

Without my abilities, and without a prognosis that included hope for making a full recovery I often felt completely worthless and that life was not worth living.

D) Psychological Illness

I have been through 4 episodes of Major Depression.

I have experienced the Dark Night of the Soul not just once, but multiple times.

I have met with many therapists who made my depression worse, reflecting back a set of life possibilities for myself that felt like Spiritual Suicide.

I have been completely crushed by the Simultaneity of my problems:

All at the same time, I was kicked out the company I co-founded, I lost my sense of life purpose and direction, could check nearly all the boxes on the Quarter Life Crisis checklist, I had toxic mold in my living situation and experienced constant low grade inflammation, brain fog, chronic fatigue and sensorial tingling that left me with little capacity to dig myself out of the hole I was in.

I had almost no money. The rest was being drained by poor quality lawyers who failed to translate my case into a viable strategy and led me down a legal dead-end, where they were simply wasting tens of thousands of dollars my and my family’s money. I had no ability to get or work at a job. And no ability to create a new healthy living situation for myself.

I would talk with friends and family about my situation and almost always came away feeling misunderstood and more depressed due to lack of resonance and the additive feeling of a vulnerability hangover and the effect it would have on my reputation if I ever did find a way to get better again.

I thought, “who would support me in being an entrepreneur again, as a co-founder, employee or investor, if they’ve seen me like this?”

Friends and family felt helpless in knowing how to support me and I had to endure the inaccuracy of their projections.

One of the biggest areas of dissonance when I would share what I was feeling with my friends and family, is that their message would roughly be along the lines of, “it’s okay if you don’t achieve your ambitions…they were naíve or misguided ambitions in some ways, and the lesson to learn from these hard times that have sent you into depression is that you need to take less risk and be more realistic.”

I didn’t accept that, even when I was depressed.

I wanted a path to get better and to make another attempt at my life goals — from a new angle, with new learnings and new depth alive inside me.

I never wanted to give up. I merely felt lost without a viable path forward toward recovery and re-emergence.

Even when I fell low enough, for long enough, that friends finally were able to provide me with the support I needed to form a foundation for my life from which I could rebuild, my outlook was still very bleak.

How could I ever feel satisfied living such a humble life as a result of my biological and psychological illnesses when all the meaning I found in my life was from the Existential Hero’s Journey of grand contribution that I felt I was on since I was a young boy.

I felt that everything I wanted to do with my life was now longer possible.

I wanted to die and start over.

I thought either I have a soul and I will get another shot or that is it and the pain will be over.

If there’s no path out from where I am, either option is better than this debilitating purgatory. But I can endure for a long time before I’m ready to take my own life.

I felt ashamed for thinking this way. And that I couldn’t share this logic with anyone lest they try to hospitalize me or put me on medication, or some other conventional medical intervention, coming from a place of fear rather than understanding and love.

I felt ashamed that I wasn’t able to hold many of my Spiritual Realizations through experiences of Depression. But I also felt the boldness of my soul’s mission was also a Spiritual Truth that many traditions Spiritually Bypass by skipping straight from the Relative self to the Absolute God.

I had a Major Depressive Episode go from bad to worse when the 2nd night of an Ayahuasca Ceremony completely overwhelmed me with feelings that the Life Story and Hero’s Journey I worked so hard to construct for myself was a complete lie, and that I should just kill myself now.

I was left feeling utterly flattened into a pit of despair and hopelessness for nearly 7 months towards the end of 2014 into 2015.

It’s possible I shouldn’t have been doing Ayahuasca, as it can often accelerate the emotional amplitude of those who experience both intense depression and hypomania. However, I would still like to engage the medicine again when I am more in the middle of my emotional spectrum, as I have so many friends who have received so much value from this work.

I have endured the exhausting never ending background noise of Suicidal Ideation for months at a time.

I have imagined that the most my life would be worth to society would be as a “Cautionary Tale of Ambition gone Wrong”. A modern day Icarus.

I was too ashamed to see friends.

I couldn’t work. I couldn’t think. I couldn’t feel.

To beat the suicidal ideation, I resolved to simply let the world do whatever it wanted with me.

And to see how society would treat “a failed, debilitated, formerly intelligent, ambitious, middle class white male”.

Unable to see a path out of my situation, I played chess and online poker for 12 hours a day to numb the pain.

It may not always be easy to tell that I am a highly emotional person, since in any personality system I am one of the most cognitive types. But the intensity with which I feel is what drives the bipolarity of my emotions. And I see this as an immense strength and gift that I must learn to harness rather than illness.

In my most recent depression, I completely surrendered what I once believed to be my Purpose and Destiny.

I completely gave up on my dreams and my identity.

I gave up all that I am to the Sublime Powers beyond me.

And I rested in the faith of their plan for me.

I rested in the truth of Being and Becoming.

Of relative perfection and that whatever happens from here on out is perfect. Is beautiful. Is art.

I chose to source my identity not from anything I did in this world.

But from the depth of my Soul.

And the Oneness of my Spirit.

Suffice to say,

Spirit has trained me well.

And what my pain and suffering have done is burn away all that is not me,

Leaving only,

Who I Truly Am

——–

OFFERINGS OF WISDOM

I have been reflecting on how I’ve handled my experiences of pain, suffering and hardship in life and what lessons I would like to offer to others:

1) Feel your feelings. Do not numb yourself to your emotions. Let them move through you. Work on you. Shape you.

See depression as a cleanse. See failures as temporary mistakes on your quest in learning how to enable your Soul to Soar and your Heart to Sing.

“Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever.” ― Eric Thomas

2) Don’t let the pain of your disappointments lower your standards or ambitions. Your deepest desires are unshakably true. Never give up on pursuing their fulfillment.

“True desire in the heart for anything good is God’s proof to you sent beforehand to indicate that it’s yours already,” – Denzel Washington

3) Practice Self-Responsibility, Forgiveness and Compassion.

Self-Responsibility. When things go wrong in your life, start by looking at yourself and inquiring into what you could have done better. Don’t be a victim. At a fundamental level almost anyone who harmed you, you let them in your life. And if there was a fundamental misalignment between the two of you, you only chose that person because you hadn’t yet sufficiently learned that lesson.

Forgiveness. Holding onto resentment and anger is an emotional poison that only hurts yourself.

“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned – Gautama Buddha

Compassion. Understand that people aren’t evil. They have their own traumas and deficiencies, and most people really are trying to do the best they can. Do not morally vilify people for their incapacity. But do raise your standards. And even if you are hurt by people, you can still unconditionally love them through their own growth experience. All human Souls are evolving back up towards the Divine Light of God. But sometimes some of them get stuck, and forget who they are and forget that we are all Ultimately One. Help them remember. Even when they hurt you.

4) Fear is an illusion

“There is nothing to fear but fear itself.” – Franklin Delanor Roosevelt

Fear fundamentally arises from a false illusion of separateness from the totality of being.
Death is an illusion. The personality dies but the soul lives on and is always learning, growing and progressing. Learning to rewire your identity to the whole of the cosmos and your agency to the timeless depth of your soul is one of the most powerful spiritual transformations you can have.

5) Pain is Inevitable in Life but Suffering is a Choice.

Whether life phenomena are experienced as mere pain sensation arising in the field of awareness, or instead as unbearable suffering is a matter of learnable perspective.

In essence, this is a summary of the 4 Noble Truths of Buddhism.

I’ve seen them well summarized like this:
i. Suffering, unsatisfactoriness, dissatisfaction, disappointment, illusion and confusion are an inescapable part of life.
ii. There is a root cause for these.
iii. There is a way to work with and eventually remove this cause.
iv. There is a practical method for doing so accessible to anyone willing to apply themselves.

Every human can find their own meditative path of Awakening, if they would like to be free of suffering, experience Ultimate Liberation, the flourishing of all positive states and an inextricable feeling of meaning, purpose and connectedness.

If you have had glimpses of these Higher States of Consciousness, which almost everyone has, know that they are Real. Have faith that you can access them all the time. And that if you find the right teacher and set of practices and lineages aligned for your personality and soul, you can have access to these deeper truths of Reality all the time.

The Great Spiritual Saints, Sages and Mystics of Human History are not wrong.

In fact, they are more right than the small you could ever know.

THE NOTORIOUS MAX MARMER EMBRACE THE CHAOS (VIDEO)

Social Proof for the coming Entrepreneurial Tantric Turquoise Takeover that has now been put into Motion after Lifetimes of Planning and Training:

http://www.maxmarmer.com/blog/testimonials/

Watch Out World.

A CREATIVE STORM IS COMING!

The seeds of a Multi-Dimensional, Multi-Lifetime, Trans-Disciplinary, Consciously Transformational, Multi-Billion Dollar Business Empire have now been given Permission to Sprout.

Major Market and Ideological Disruption coming to a Phase Space near you!

I am its Cocky Humble Servant Gardening its Divine Energetic Expression.

Practice Patience as Destiny Fractally gathers the Life Force to Bloom.

This is a Multi-Decade Plan, not a Flash in the Pan.

Traction is here and I am Merely an Interstellar Point Man.

More Details Soon for How You Can Take Part.

As Conor McGregor, the Notorious One said, ”

[This] is the Law of Attraction, and it is the most powerful thing in the world. It is the belief that you are able to create whatever situation that you want for yourself, and no one can take it from you. It is believing something is already yours, and then doing whatever you have to so that it comes true.

If you can see it here and you have the courage enough to speak it, it will happen. I see these shots and sequences, and I don’t shy away from them. A lot of time people believe in certain things, but they keep it to themselves. They don’t put it out there. If you truly believe in it, if you become vocal with it, you are creating that Law of Attraction, and it will become reality.

This, the way I think and the way my mind goes, it is unstoppable. I can’t tell you exactly what it is, but it fucking works.”

 

AM I BIPOLAR?

Some people think I am bipolar.

I guarantee it.

Some people think I am sick and need help.

I guarantee it.

Those people are projecting onto me their unconscious fear of their own lack of psychological control and stability,

Or that of someone close to them.

I probabilistically guarantee it.

I have often explored in many chapters of my life how I relate to this weighty psychological label.

There is no question I have travelled the extremes of the psychological spectrum.

How intimately I know the Higher Highs and the Lower Lows.

There is certainly bipolarity in that.

But am I Bipolar?

No.

Not as the term is conventionally used.

Bipolar is not a mental illness.

Bipolarity is not a curse.

Bipolarity is a gift.

Bipolarity is increased emotional sensitivity to life.

Bipolarity is an incarnational decision to increase one’s risk/reward profile.

Bipolarity is increased access to the Vital Force of Life itself.

Bipolarity connects you more fully to the multi-dimensional energetic fluids of emotionality that serve as Teachers,

Washing over you, if you let them, with the intent to positively transform.

Bipolarity is a powerful weapon that is the source of some of the greatest creativity and expressions of Love and Spirit in Human History.

But it is also a powerful weapon that society is afraid of.

That Industrial Society has been designed to crush.

Like X-Men mutants who the conventional humans fear for their differences.

Conventional Society wants people to conform like Slavish Mechanical Cogs to its Industrial Machine.

Society wants docile employees, who color within the lines, follow the rules and do what they’re told.

There is no room for the hyper-creative who have visions of new possibilities and new lands.

The Status Quo is too fucking profitable.

There is no room for the hyper-sensitive who feel deep in their bones and soul that something in their world is not RIGHT.

Their heightened perception must be numbed.

Must be medicated out of existence.

Their feelings which point them to the Truth of the World and their Heart must be stopped.

They must be made to feel weak.

To feel their feelings are the problem.

Rather than Modern Society.

With its dysfunctional, self-perpetuating trauma-filled, isolationist, disconnected culture that gave rise to the feelings of depression and anxiety in the first place.

One of their Methods of Covert Authoritarianism is the Brutality of the Medical Establishment.

A profiteering, societal racketeering institution built on Biologically Reductionist Science designed to make the patient addicted and societally compliant rather than healthy and fulfilled.

Nearly 20% of Americans take a psychiatric drug for Depression or Anxiety.

On average Americans watch 5 hours of Television a day.

Another subversive method of mind-control to numb people from their Authentic Self.

Industrial Capitalist Society has Humanity by the Balls, Clamped in a Vice.

I have been deeply depressed, but I have never moved from Hypomania to Mania.

I have taken many natural supplements, but I have never taken a pharmacological drug.

And I hope I never do.

If you have, don’t be hard on yourself.

Be compassionate.

But know if you would like to truly find your Higher Self…

It will be very difficult to do while taking pharmacological substances designed to conform you to a narrow band of emotional states.

Pharmacological drugs are best seen as emergency psychic surgery when you take a psycho-spiritual tumble and break a metaphorical bone or bust up your metaphorical tissue…

And they are to be followed by a weaned path of rehabilitation to more authentic biochemistry.

If you are on these substances,

Know there is a way out.

Though it must done with love and care,

And the supervision of qualified medical professionals,

Ideally including ones who practice Holistic Medicine.

—–

…And now we have begun a series of posts on Depression, Mental Illness & Spiritual Transformation.

I have thousands of words to spill on this subject in which I will cover subjects like:

– Why the medical establishment does not have people’s best interests at heart
– Why the DSM, psychiatry and pharmacology is fatally flawed
– How the lack of a larger spiritual evolutionary context of the human condition is the source of psychological confusion that begets depression and mental illness
– Powerful metaphors for reframing Depression, Anxiety and Bipolarity as the Empowering, Fierce, Creative Gift they are.
– Biohacking with supplements out of Mental Dysfunction into Optimal Health
– The dynamic feedback loops to the downside or upside between Biology, Psychology, Culture and Spirituality
– My personal stories about the excruciating pain and confusion of depressive episodes
– Resilient methods for relating to Suicidal Ideation
– The Nature of Suicide in a larger Existential Context
– How Depression can make you stronger and prepare you to fulfill your Destiny

5 songs that capture the emotional essence of my journey the last year

5 songs that capture the emotional essence of my journey the last year:

1) We Circle Through the Night Consumed By Fire — Max Richter
https://open.spotify.com/track/7pAksEVGKqiXRvl2bO0vhy

2) Mantra Padmasambhava — Lama Dorje
https://open.spotify.com/track/0jWgAnTrNZmOGmqgvHhZEm

3) What’s Up? — 4 Non Blondes
https://open.spotify.com/track/7rc6L3UtM0uvwfpsl07GBL
How I am now:

4) Home – Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros https://open.spotify.com/track/7w5cxTEzp1rfV3KCy0Bd5N

5) Feeling Good – Avicii
https://open.spotify.com/track/7pAksEVGKqiXRvl2bO0vhy

A song is worth 3 pictures worth of words.

The Snow Is Melting

The snow is melting on my year long physical and digital hibernation.

I have been reflecting, processing, releasing, inquiring, discovering, waiting, evolving, loving, living, dying, remembering.

My journey is increasingly spiritual.

An ethereal needle and thread finding its way back into the lining of evolutionary physical manifestation.

My next chapter is being written from my new abode in the angelic mountaintops of Marin.

Home is ever present.

Announcing The New MaxMarmer.com — In Quest of Super Humanity

I have an exciting announcement to share with you:

Today, I have launched my new personal home on the web: http://maxmarmer.com —  In Quest of Super Humanity via Consciousness, Biohacking & Entrepreneurship.

And to commemorate the launch, I wrote my first eBook!

The eBook is also called In Quest of Super Humanity via Consciousness, Biohacking and Entrepreneurship and includes a comprehensive resource guide with 42 recommendations for Understanding Super Humanity & Becoming Super Human.

This site will be a platform where I, along with many others, will discuss the future of humanity and explore methods for how we can all reach our full potential.

It is also a home for all of my previous writing, (now 362 posts!) and will highlight much of my future work.

You can download my eBook for Free and sign up up for the site’s newsletter here!

http://www.maxmarmer.com/blog/sign-up-for-in-quest-of-super-humanity/