Taking Responsibility For Your Partner’s Emotional State As The Gateway to Relationship Success and Spiritual Oneness

Tara and I were talking about our partnership and one of the biggest reasons why it is working so well.

And that reason is that we both take responsibility for each other’s emotional state.

We don’t tell each other to go deal with anything on their own.

We don’t say, “what you’re feeling, that’s yours to deal with, that’s not mine. That’s for you to process on your own”.

We believe that whatever is arising for one of us, is the responsibility of both of us.

We take attachment theory seriously, and its recommendation that the best way to create a flourishing relationship is to cultivate the qualities of a ‘secure functioning relationship’.

And this is a central quality of a secure functioning relationship: making taking care of each other’s emotional state a top priority, and recognizing that we have a duty to hold each other through pain and discomfort, even when we don’t feel like it; even when we are at our own limits, that means the situation is demanding us to grow and expand our capacity.

A secure relationship is NOT about two individuals just coexisting, sleeping together and trying to tiptoe around their partners’ weakness, hidden feelings or triggers, because one person feels like they can’t handle them if they came out…

A secure relationship is about embracing EVERYTHING about your partner, recognizing that for the partnership to truly work, two people must MERGE their identities, and create a new Whole that is greater than the sum of its Parts.

A secure relationship is about two people coming together and birthing a new third entity — a new identity that envelopes them both, where the individual identity is still there but the new identity of the Relationship is more Significant than the individual’s separate autonomous identities — like a a large sphere with two smaller spheres inside of it. You are both the small sphere and the large sphere, but the large sphere becomes more important.

[[And for my polyamorous friends this model is just as relevant, if not more relevant, only instead of 2 small spheres inside the large sphere there are now 3 or more small spheres inside the large sphere.  But there has to be a large sphere, *securely containing* all the small spheres otherwise it won’t work. (Analysis of Why and a description of all the failure states is a different post).]]

From this vantage point, of course you prioritize taking care of your partner’s emotional state, whatever it is, because you have a MERGED identity state, and their emotional state IS your emotional state. They are you and you are them.

And this points to a deeper timeless, spiritual truth:

Identity isn’t a tangible, solid thing. Identity is just a construction. It’s just a software program. It’s just a map we have about “what is us” and “what is not us”. And that map can change and be re-written.

Phantom Limb experiments by V.S. Ramachandran are one the anomalies that evidence this profound truth. Some amputee patients would feel like their removed limb was hurting them even though it was no longer there. Why? Their identity pattern still believed the limb was a part of them, even though it was not, but they felt pain in their non-existent limb nonetheless. In other words their software dictated their reality and felt experience of pain more than their hardware. To remedy this ailment, Ramachandran came up with a therapy using a box and two mirrors that would give the appearance of re-animating the cut off limb that would enable the patient to interact with the limb, get rid of the chronic pain by re-patterning this faulty software program.

So the first order of this deep spiritual truth is that Identity is changeable. The second order is that Identity can evolve to include you and your partner, so that you and your partner are One. The third order spiritual truth is that there is no limit to how far you can expand your identity, once you’ve realized it’s changeable. You can expand your identity to include the entire world and kosmos, so that it is all You.

This is what all the great sages and mystics point to, Jesus, Buddha, Krishna, when they say, “We’re All One. Love your self. Love your neighbor as yourself. Because your neighbor is yourself. It’s all Love.”

You can have a taste of that identity expansion through merging your identity with your partner. This begins with taking full responsibility for their emotional state.

…And then maybe sometime, in many years or lifetimes, you’ll be ready to take responsibility for the emotional state of all sentient beings.

How The Establishment Manipulates Society

The intricate web that holds the Establishment together is strong and deep.

1. Big Pharma Makes Billions of Dollars Selling Drugs.

2. They then BUY Political Candidates that support their interests.

3. Political candidates pass laws that make doctors OVER-PRESCRIBE drugs like anti-depressants.

4.People take anti-depressants that harmfully changes their biochemistry so that they feel a little better, but are simultaneously ADDICTED to Big Pharma’s drugs because they’re so hard to get off of.

5. Rather than using DEPRESSION as A SIGN SOMETHING IS OFF in their life and needs to be changed, Big Pharma’s drugs sap the emotional energy needed to FIGHT AGAINST the problems in their life that are making them sick.

6. Citizens become DOCILE and accept the status quo enabling other Billion Dollar EXPLOITATIVE Industries like Big Oil, Wall Street, BIG AGRICULTURE to further run rampant over Citizens’ self interests.

To paraphrase and add onto a thought from my friend Zak Stein, a Harvard trained developmental psychologist: The Psychopharmacology industry is part of a COMPOUNDING META-CRISIS at the global level. It is an actual PHYSICAL INTERVENTION into the central nervous system that is altering millions of Americans fundamental conscious experience of daily life. And that is DECIMATING the life prospects of up and coming generations. There’s an urgency to fix this problem for the sake of the dignity of human society.

Now quoting a famous speech from the movie The Network,

“I want you to get up right now and go to the window. Open it, and stick your head out, and yell,’I’M AS MAD AS HELL, AND I’M NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE!’”

…And then Support Bernie Sanders For President.

Because him winning the democratic nomination would be an amazing leverage point for a host of almost intractable, systemic, parasitic problems with the status quo of THE ESTABLISHMENT.

Max Marmer's photo.

AN ENLIGHTENED WRATHFUL CHALLENGE

Most people’s desire to become a better person is WEAK.

It’s a passing wish. It’s a should. It’s not a must.

“In life you don’t get your shoulds, you get your musts.” – Tony Robbins

How much of a better person are you this year than last year?

Somebody needs to tell you:

You’re FUCKING SLOW.

Pick up the pace.

Work harder on yourself.

Quit making excuses.

This is my Crazy Wisdom.

You need to Increase Your Bodhicitta.

“You don’t want it bad enough. You just kind of want it” – Eric Thomas

Post-Modern Spirituality is Coddling you into Marginal Incrementalism.

Vajrayana = Accelerated Vehicle

The Singularity is Near

The World is Accelerating Faster than when Vajrayana was conceived

You need an Accelerated Accelerated Vehicle

There is not much time left

Accelerate Your Awakening

Cultivate Your Bodhicitta till it Burns Inside You

“Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light. “ – Dylan Thomas

Crazy Wisdom loves the Wrathful Deity

Someone needs to Rip off Illusion’s head in the Name of the Truth

Here’s to the Crazy Ones

Here’s to Forging Your Soul in the Cauldron of Desire’s Fire

Burning Luminously Lighter

Bringing the World’s Vibration Higher

Living like you Fucking Matter

Like you’re running out of breath

Like it’s Fucking Dire

Quit being so lame

Does my intensity trigger your ire?

Good.

Your Anger is Your Shadow Being an Ignorant Liar.

Time to the Pay the Pied Piper

Where’s your Fucking Fire?

Napoleon Hill the Father of Self-Development knew from talking to all the world’s most successful

That the foundation of evolutionary progress is Burning Desire

Finding Meaning in Life

Meaning is the true source of fulfillment in life.

Want meaning?

Cultivate Bodhicitta, take the Bodhisattva Vow and commit to becoming a Being others can take Refuge in.

Conceptual Unpacking:

Bodhicitta:

Bodhicitta is a spontaneous wish to attain enlightenment motivated by great compassion for all sentient beings, accompanied by a falling away of the attachment to the illusion of an inherently existing self.

Bodhisattva Vow:

The Bodhisattva vow is the vow taken by Mahayana Buddhists to attain complete enlightenment for the sake of all sentient beings. One who has taken the vow is nominally known as a Bodhisattva.

Buddhist Refuge:

Take refuge in the Three Jewels:

1) The Buddha
2) The Dharma
3) The Sangha

The language is buddhist but the energy is universal.

The message is timeless.

On Tolerating Shit In Your Life

A post on Community, Integrity, and Calling Out People who Cross Your Threshold Of Shit.

———
On Christmas an article in the NYTimes was published entitled, “A Spiritual Leader Gains Stature, Trailed by a Troubled Past”, that is essentially an exposé on Marc Gafni, rehashing old transgressions of his because he and his organizations are gaining significant power again.

The article served as a lightning rod for a large amount of latent energy to come rushing to the surface, desiring to take Marc Gafni down.

I read a fair amount of the commentary and posts being written because I know Marc, the Integral community he is a part of, and many people who are both strong supporters and detractors of him.

I am also very interested and invested in the concepts and constructs of Community, Integrity, Forgiveness, Standards and Morality.

One of the most insightful statements I read written about Marc’s past and path was that the “systematic vulnerability he is exposing is preying on those who live by the ‘benefit of the doubt’”.

The idea that “benefit of the doubt’ is a systemic vulnerability that is regularly being exploited really hit home for me.

And I began pondering a related concept I’m calling the Threshold of Shit.

What is the Threshold of Shit we’re willing to tolerate from people in our lives before we’re willing to do something about it?

I believe many people’s and their community’s Thresholds of Shit are way too high.

Thus, their life and community is interspersed and surrounded by lots of Shit.

I see people doing shitty things do other people all the time with impunity and almost zero accountability, because 1) it is not illegal and 2) the community of people close to them is willing to give them the benefit of the doubt.

This includes Very Shitty things like: Treating Romantic Partners Terribly in Breaking up. Fucking over Business Partners. Exploiting Customers with Borderline Immoral Marketing.

And less Shitty, but still Shitty things like: Narcissistically ignoring anyone else’s Reality, Unwittingly Projecting Negative Emotional States Onto Other People. Not Taking Responsibility for One’s Own Actions and Energy.

I want to live in a world and community where people get called on their SHIT.

And not when it becomes a Pile of Shit…Right When They Shit. Redhanded.

1) It keeps places beautiful, smelling nice, growing, healthy and clean.

2) It actually serves the Shitter. Once they know they can’t get away with their shit, the incentives of the system are such that there are no more shitty shortcuts to get what they want. The only way to get what they want is to BECOME A BETTER PERSON.

I’m annoyed and angered by how many shitty things people get away with because the Threshold of Shit most people are willing to Tolerate is just way too high.

I won’t stand for Shitheads in my life nor shitheads in the community I’m growing.

If you shit on me or my community members you will be called out and…

Then given the opportunity to atone, improve and enter right relationship with right action.

Or if not, Taken Down by a White Hot Sword of Truth. (h/t to Adam Gordon for inspiration for the imagery wink emoticon )

Most of this post isn’t about Marc, it’s about what reading about Marc brought up for me.

I haven’t read enough or talked to enough people to have a position I’m confidently willing to get behind. But for now what I’d say is, I like much of Marc’s writing and his vision for an Integral Spiritual World, but given his past abuses of power, and the amount of mistrust that clearly surrounds him I don’t see how he can be the Leader of an Organization without betraying his own values. For if he stands for a Movement that envisions a new kind of Wise, Loving and Trustable World…but the Movement and World he wants to see come into Reality loses trust, credibility and momentum as a result of him leading it, I don’t see how he can put himself in a leadership role unless he values his own personal power and expression more than the movement and ideals he stands for.

TLDR: Don’t Tolerate Shit in Your Life. Call out the Shitheads. Enjoy Peace, Serenity, and Mutual Accelerated Growth.