Taking Responsibility For Your Partner’s Emotional State As The Gateway to Relationship Success and Spiritual Oneness

Tara and I were talking about our partnership and one of the biggest reasons why it is working so well.

And that reason is that we both take responsibility for each other’s emotional state.

We don’t tell each other to go deal with anything on their own.

We don’t say, “what you’re feeling, that’s yours to deal with, that’s not mine. That’s for you to process on your own”.

We believe that whatever is arising for one of us, is the responsibility of both of us.

We take attachment theory seriously, and its recommendation that the best way to create a flourishing relationship is to cultivate the qualities of a ‘secure functioning relationship’.

And this is a central quality of a secure functioning relationship: making taking care of each other’s emotional state a top priority, and recognizing that we have a duty to hold each other through pain and discomfort, even when we don’t feel like it; even when we are at our own limits, that means the situation is demanding us to grow and expand our capacity.

A secure relationship is NOT about two individuals just coexisting, sleeping together and trying to tiptoe around their partners’ weakness, hidden feelings or triggers, because one person feels like they can’t handle them if they came out…

A secure relationship is about embracing EVERYTHING about your partner, recognizing that for the partnership to truly work, two people must MERGE their identities, and create a new Whole that is greater than the sum of its Parts.

A secure relationship is about two people coming together and birthing a new third entity — a new identity that envelopes them both, where the individual identity is still there but the new identity of the Relationship is more Significant than the individual’s separate autonomous identities — like a a large sphere with two smaller spheres inside of it. You are both the small sphere and the large sphere, but the large sphere becomes more important.

[[And for my polyamorous friends this model is just as relevant, if not more relevant, only instead of 2 small spheres inside the large sphere there are now 3 or more small spheres inside the large sphere.  But there has to be a large sphere, *securely containing* all the small spheres otherwise it won’t work. (Analysis of Why and a description of all the failure states is a different post).]]

From this vantage point, of course you prioritize taking care of your partner’s emotional state, whatever it is, because you have a MERGED identity state, and their emotional state IS your emotional state. They are you and you are them.

And this points to a deeper timeless, spiritual truth:

Identity isn’t a tangible, solid thing. Identity is just a construction. It’s just a software program. It’s just a map we have about “what is us” and “what is not us”. And that map can change and be re-written.

Phantom Limb experiments by V.S. Ramachandran are one the anomalies that evidence this profound truth. Some amputee patients would feel like their removed limb was hurting them even though it was no longer there. Why? Their identity pattern still believed the limb was a part of them, even though it was not, but they felt pain in their non-existent limb nonetheless. In other words their software dictated their reality and felt experience of pain more than their hardware. To remedy this ailment, Ramachandran came up with a therapy using a box and two mirrors that would give the appearance of re-animating the cut off limb that would enable the patient to interact with the limb, get rid of the chronic pain by re-patterning this faulty software program.

So the first order of this deep spiritual truth is that Identity is changeable. The second order is that Identity can evolve to include you and your partner, so that you and your partner are One. The third order spiritual truth is that there is no limit to how far you can expand your identity, once you’ve realized it’s changeable. You can expand your identity to include the entire world and kosmos, so that it is all You.

This is what all the great sages and mystics point to, Jesus, Buddha, Krishna, when they say, “We’re All One. Love your self. Love your neighbor as yourself. Because your neighbor is yourself. It’s all Love.”

You can have a taste of that identity expansion through merging your identity with your partner. This begins with taking full responsibility for their emotional state.

…And then maybe sometime, in many years or lifetimes, you’ll be ready to take responsibility for the emotional state of all sentient beings.

Thermogenesis: New Cold Plunge Record

After I returned from my weeklong Dzogchen Meditation retreat I went to the Banya and blew my 46° cold plunge record out of the water.

From 25 minutes to 31 minutes.

BOOM!

I am the master of mind.

My mind is the master of my body.

With bodhicitta — the intention to become enlightened to be in service to all beings,

And with diligence in walking the path,

The path reveals itself to itself by itself.

And a natural intelligence and purification spontaneously unfolds.

The ordinary unceasingly dissolves into the extraordinary.

In the frigid waters of the cold plunge the ordinary is dissolved,

By my internally generated heat.

And the flames of the fire of inexhaustible enlightened activity are fanned and stoked.

7_431515_9_1444267577_636x435

Reality Is Like A Video Game

Reality is like a video game, and Tibetan Buddhism has some of the best cheat codes.

Only the cheat codes aren’t cheating: they open up the real game.

Almost all else was just preparatory side games.

Like a psychedelic trip, revealing revelatory unseen elements of reality, always just beneath the surface.

AN ENLIGHTENED WRATHFUL CHALLENGE

Most people’s desire to become a better person is WEAK.

It’s a passing wish. It’s a should. It’s not a must.

“In life you don’t get your shoulds, you get your musts.” – Tony Robbins

How much of a better person are you this year than last year?

Somebody needs to tell you:

You’re FUCKING SLOW.

Pick up the pace.

Work harder on yourself.

Quit making excuses.

This is my Crazy Wisdom.

You need to Increase Your Bodhicitta.

“You don’t want it bad enough. You just kind of want it” – Eric Thomas

Post-Modern Spirituality is Coddling you into Marginal Incrementalism.

Vajrayana = Accelerated Vehicle

The Singularity is Near

The World is Accelerating Faster than when Vajrayana was conceived

You need an Accelerated Accelerated Vehicle

There is not much time left

Accelerate Your Awakening

Cultivate Your Bodhicitta till it Burns Inside You

“Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light. “ – Dylan Thomas

Crazy Wisdom loves the Wrathful Deity

Someone needs to Rip off Illusion’s head in the Name of the Truth

Here’s to the Crazy Ones

Here’s to Forging Your Soul in the Cauldron of Desire’s Fire

Burning Luminously Lighter

Bringing the World’s Vibration Higher

Living like you Fucking Matter

Like you’re running out of breath

Like it’s Fucking Dire

Quit being so lame

Does my intensity trigger your ire?

Good.

Your Anger is Your Shadow Being an Ignorant Liar.

Time to the Pay the Pied Piper

Where’s your Fucking Fire?

Napoleon Hill the Father of Self-Development knew from talking to all the world’s most successful

That the foundation of evolutionary progress is Burning Desire

Finding Meaning in Life

Meaning is the true source of fulfillment in life.

Want meaning?

Cultivate Bodhicitta, take the Bodhisattva Vow and commit to becoming a Being others can take Refuge in.

Conceptual Unpacking:

Bodhicitta:

Bodhicitta is a spontaneous wish to attain enlightenment motivated by great compassion for all sentient beings, accompanied by a falling away of the attachment to the illusion of an inherently existing self.

Bodhisattva Vow:

The Bodhisattva vow is the vow taken by Mahayana Buddhists to attain complete enlightenment for the sake of all sentient beings. One who has taken the vow is nominally known as a Bodhisattva.

Buddhist Refuge:

Take refuge in the Three Jewels:

1) The Buddha
2) The Dharma
3) The Sangha

The language is buddhist but the energy is universal.

The message is timeless.

The Lessons of Depression

My girlfriend Eleanor Tara wrote an awesome article on the Lessons of Depression:

Here are her top 3 habit changing recommendations to Overcome Depression:

Habit Change #1: Putting things into our bodies that make us depressed → Putting things into our bodies that help us heal

Habit Change #2: Staying in misaligned relationships and careers → Letting go of what no longer serves us

Habit Change #3: Not paying attention to our surroundings → Consciously choosing our environment

What I love most about her article is how she frames the experience of depression not as an illness to be medicated away, but rather as an experience that is trying to teach us something very important about ourselves.

And how learning these lessons is essential for us to align our lives with our highest purpose and our soul’s deepest calling.

I have experienced extended episodes of depression multiple times in my life, have supported numerous friends through depression myself, and consider it a very important topic that I plan to continue to write about. This is a beautiful and wise article that is deeply aligned with my own experience, perspective and recommendations.