My 4 Year Battle With Darkness

Over the last 4 years I have been hit by the interconnected illnesses of leaky gut, mold poisoning, multiple chemical sensitivity and major depression.

I have been forced out of a company I founded and grieved like a parent who lost custody and control over the future of their child.

At times my mind and body were completely dysfunctional. I had no idea what was going on, no idea how to get better and found myself completely disoriented, desperately clinging to the few rays of hope I had from my sunken vantage point.

At times, I did not know if I could go on.

I wondered if my journey had come to a sudden, abrupt end.

If all my potential would evaporate unfulfilled.

I knew an unceasing darkness was not worth perpetuating.

So why not simply restart the wheel of karma?

At times, all I could do was rest in my family’s love and in the unsubstantiated faith of greener pastures on the other side of outlastment.

Through these experiences my humanity has been humbled.

But my spirit has been emboldened.

Adaptive, anti-fragile responses were initiated within my soul that have made me stronger biologically, psychologically and spiritually, than I have ever been before.

Through all of this, I have vehemently resisted any life paths which would bend me towards normalcy, complacency, and convention.

Through all of this, I have vehemently resisted taking any blunt pharmacological instruments which would artificially numb me to the depths of my experience.

I own all of my darkness.

I own all of my light.

All my experiences and emotions have come into in my life to teach me lessons I must learn to become who I am meant to be.

I will not run away from them.

I will not sublimate them.

Though I must reserve the right to let my wounds heal before metabolization can take place.

I know I haven’t been knocked down for the last time.

The tests will keep coming.

Lessons of tough love will continue to knock me down until they permeate my being with an unshakeable depth of deep knowing.

As Charles Bukowski said in a favorite poem of mine, to go where I want to go,

“There is no other way. And there never was.”

I am not here to be happy.

I am not here to be comfortable.

I am not here to avoid pain and loss.

I am here to live into my purpose.

Or die trying.

Its magnitude inevitably generates what may be called a hypomanic intensity.

But it is a fire I will not shy away from engaging with.

I will become the master of my furious flame before it becomes a master of me.

The charred scars on my soul will not scare me away from surfing the tidal waves of my evolutionary process.

“The world isn’t all sunshine and rainbows. It is a very mean and nasty place It will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me or nobody is going to hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard you’re hit, it is about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward, how much can you take and keep moving forward.”

May this quote someday live on my grave:

“I firmly believe that any man’s finest hour, the greatest fulfillment of all that he holds dear, is that moment when he has worked his heart out in a good cause and lies exhausted on the field of battle – victorious.”

I bow in deep gratitude to my closest friends and family who have been there to support me on my journey.

You know who you are.

I love you.

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