The Old Soul’s Lonely Walk

‪#‎TBT‬ : I just found a poem I wrote when I was 15.

I don’t think I ever shared this one with anyone.

When I occasionally dig into my journals from the past, I am struck by how much I am living almost exactly the life I saw before myself as a kid and teenager.

I often forget what my inner world was like when I was much younger and reading this poem this morning tickled my feeling of fate. As if my life is merely the construction of a blueprint set before birth. With my greatest strength born in its faith and my deepest depression born in its doubt.

“Man is supposed to be the maker of his destiny. It is only partly true. He can make his destiny, only in so far as he is allowed by the Great Power.”
– Mahatma Gandhi

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UNTITLED

I am picky
…I am left to solitude
I am enlightened
…I am a precocious phony
I am smart
…I am condescending
I am gregarious
…I am annoying
I am stoical
…I am boring
I am quixotic
…I am a know-it-all
I am left ephemeral glimpses of success
While I combat the next failure
In triumph I only find misery
Daunting as they become increasingly harder
Confusion as to how they arose
How am I not myself?
I try desperately to rip a whole in the blanket of normality
Sickened that the only way is to stand on its shoulders
I climb alone
Lost on a journey looking for companionship
So demanding is society to fit the mold of public acceptance
Betrayal to become it, loss of identity
Enjoying being trapped in the box
Scornfully staring at the few who dare to challenge
The sky is the limit
But to those in the box the limit is the ceiling, no more than six feet above their head
Left to drown in my solitude
I must accept it or conform to what I hate
A world of hypocrisy
A mind taught not to think for itself
An enjoyable outcome is hard to come by when you must invent it yourself
Exhaustion clouds my thoughts and ideals
A try to mix and match in a world of black white
I am a blurry haze to the colorblind
I am a contradiction of love and hate
My idiosyncrasies are used for leverage to knock me down and boast normality
A gap is created
One I do not enjoy
I search for a middle ground but find only empty space
Floating in nothingness I find peace
Short lived for I find I am bored
Lost for words I cannot express my feelings
I am stuck looking for hope
Seeing signs of happiness though fleeting
I find myself chasing my tail
Repeating yet not knowing why
As do other I crave though others
But unlike many I crave two different worlds
And yet I can have neither
Its have if people can see straight through me and not see sincerity
Yet being completely oblivious to any realization why
And I am left with the word “No”
And a trail of foot steps leading off into the distance